Wow! This thread has to a tee run the gamut of my own feelings and experiences with CAH. My thoughts...Clitorectomy - I wasn't familiar with the word until one day I too read my medical chart before my endo came in the room. I was just over sixteen. It was the first time I had driven myself to an endo appointment. The words were overwhelming, depressing. I had always struggled with knowing I physically looked different but, now to also know I was missing a part vital to the sexual experience. What the f*ck!
The news only served to bring the walls of my existence in a bit tighter. So, now I thinking I'm most likely facing both extremely awkward sex (things look different and oh yeah, don't know if I've got things sufficiently dilated) and I'm probably not going to get any sensation out of it either. That leads directly into...
Getting close to men - What? What did you say? No, no. Getting physically and/or emotionally close to men is something I don't do. Cause, you know what that might lead to, sex!
So, I let the wall down a bit at around 18. There was this guy who just really liked me. He was handsome, polite, and very nice. We dated. I avoided 'the' subject. I conveniently broke the CAH topic one day when I noticed one of his textbooks mentioned the disorder. He still hung in there. Bless his heart.
The first time we tried to have sex it didn't work. Either he was too big or I was too small. However, the fact that he wore a size 13 shoe didn't help. Looking back, it was funny, but no one was laughing at the time. The good news is we did eventually have success. The bad news is it was never enjoyable for me. I couldn't and have never had an orgasm during intercourse. Speaking of orgasms. It was a pretty cool day when I put two and two together and realized I could have an orgasm.
The surgery decision - I don't have any harsh feelings towards my parents for making the decision to have surgery when I was an infant. I know they only had my best interests at heart. Yes, I have scar tissue and for lack of better words it's a bit retarded down there. I used dilators, I wet my bed for a while after my second surgery around 12. That made slumber parties a tad complicated for me. The gyno's no fun or any doctor that checks things out down there and expresses a puzzled look.
Talking to friends about having CAH - I have revealed I have CAH to only a handful of friends in my lifetime. The first was to my best friend in high school. It felt good to be able to confide in someone on that level. The older I get it's not so much going over the pill taking part or people asking about what my medic alert bracelet is for, it's about the vulnerability of revealing that the reason I don't date is because I've never been able to except myself the way I am.
Depression - I've tangled with this before. I've shrunk it up at a few shrinks over the years too. Bottom line, Prozac works wonders for me. I'm happy, have an optimistic outlook. I have a wonderful mom and dad and a great bunch of brothers and sisters. I have a cool job. And, my dog let's me take him to the beach all the time.
Camping anyone! - There seems to be or at least appears to be from my view two camps of women that are produced from the CAH experience (those that have CAH). Those who adjusted and those who still have hang-ups. Surprise, I'm in the latter group.
This Tread - It would be easier from a comfort standpoint to have a more private thread for stuff like this. Yes, it's anonymous but still stickin' out there in the vastness of the public internet!
That was therapeutic. I should probably post more often.
Thanks for reading!
